To know the Future
by arianamissy
Summary: Angel goes to see the oracles to find out if he made the right decision in giving up Buffy. Twice


Story set a short while after I Will Remember You. As per usual I own nothing. Thank you and have a good night.  
  
Its been weeks since 'the day that never happened' why is it I cant stop questioning my decision. She went back to her life, I should get back to mine. But I keep wondering, 'did I make the right decision?' A question that can be pondered till the end of time. Especially by someone who may very well live till then.  
  
I am not only questioning that day, but also the day I left her standing in a parking lot. The flames from the burning school making her skin glow. A trick of the light. Color reflecting off of the sheen of sweat she had worked up during the battle.  
  
I told her I wouldn't say goodbye. It was better that way. More dramatic, but also less painful. It left me with one last image of her beauty. Flames dancing in her eyes, hair a perfect mess that framed her face in gold making her look ethereal. I saw her search for me, we locked eyes, and I turned my back on her. That was her last image of me. I wanted her to hate me. If she hated me then it would be easier for her. So I didn't say goodbye.  
  
I convinced myself I was doing the right thing. I still think that I am doing what we all know she couldn't. Joyce is a strong woman, I respect her, and she only confirmed what I already knew.  
  
I did the right thing, I nod my head even though theres no one here to see it.  
  
I wonder what her life will be like in 10 years, or in 5 years, or in just three. Things change so fast. The more I wonder what her life will be like, the more I wish I knew that I made the right decision. Twice.  
  
I look at my watch, forgetting that its not there. After giving the old one to the oracles I hadn't gotten around to buying a new one. Wonder why if they took back the day that I didn't get it back. Technically speaking I never really gave it to them. I look up to where the vase once stood. Its not there either. Something occurs to me, I have an untapped wealth of knowledge at my fingertips. They are the oracles after all. They know everything. Maybe they can tell me if I made the right choice.  
  
Im going to have to bring a very big present.  
  
After hours of scrutinizing on what to get the oracle that can have anything I decide on something simple. Something that means the world to me, her ring. I still have it, after pulling it out of my side having fallen on it when I came back from hell. I picked it up later after regaining my sanity and put it in my pocket. I had every intention of giving it back to her, but it just never seemed the time. Things were just never the same, I couldn't have her belong to me anymore. I put it in a box, along with my own and shoved it away out of sight. It is priceless to me, but it is worth knowing that she will be happy. Just a small piece of metal, but the feelings that are attached to it. It will be enough to gain their help.  
  
Outside their chamber I quickly perform the spell to summon the door, if I question this decision one more time I might back out of it. No ones supposed to know the future, I know the cost will be immense. The burden of knowing whats to be. If I see her happily married with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids I will be happy for her, but also my heart will break. Because I know that the one she will love will not be me. I push the thoughts aside as the door opens.  
  
They stand there as if they were expecting me. Of course they were they know everything right? He stares scornfully at me, just daring me to ask what he already knows I will ask. She smiles sympathetically.  
  
"I need to know" I state simply. No need to go into details.  
  
"We cannot help you". He says sharply.  
  
She lays a hand on his arm and move in front of him. "he is right" she looks at me sadly "We are bound to the laws of the universe, and it is their will that no one should know the future"  
  
"What about Doyle's visions? They are of the future." I remind them.  
  
"You are right, but those serve a purpose. Tell me if we grant your request what purpose would it serve?" she asks. He tries to protest, but she silences him with a glance.  
  
It's a riddle. Im good at these. I look to her for any clues. She just smiles and nods as if I already told her the correct answer. Here goes.  
  
"I have to know. What her life will be like. In order to go on. In order to let her go." With that I hand her the ring that had been on the first knuckle of my pinky finger. Buffys hands are so small. We could fit both of hers into one of mine.  
  
The oracle takes it, and for a moment I almost try to take it back. She holds it in her hand studying it carefully, then looks up at me. "Yes, this is the only way. And so it shall be." She tilts her head looking at me a bit sadly. "I only hope, Angel, that you will be able to handle the answers you seek."  
  
Whats that suppose to mean? But before I can voice the question she waves her hand and the lights go out. I stand in the dark. At least I think Im still standing, I cant really tell. Her voice surrounds me. "You will see three years to the day as a flash of brief images, you will feel hear and taste everything as she will. Today three years from now you will be with her but she will not see, hear nor feel you. You will return when you are ready."  
  
Her voice stopped suddenly, then it was as if I was in a theater inside Buffys head. Watching detachedly but also feeling her happiness, sorrow, and physical pain. The images were gone so fast that it seemed like i never saw them but they left their mark upon me. i was shocked by it all, but I never thought he would see her die. Hadn't I given up his humanity to keep her alive. This part seemed to slow although it didn't. The pain she would feel as her life was drained was horrifying. Worse than anything else i could imagine. Then there was black. That was it. The show was over. But shouldn't the lights come back on now. What was all that nonsense of seeing her three year to date. There was nothing to see. Suddenly the show came back on like a reel of old movie tape and i was in the her coffin. i was struggleing to break free. The world exploeded with light that stung my eyes and all her friends were there looking happily me. But it wasn't me it was her they were seeing. Oh god. The depravity. They brought her back. i felt the pain in her soul. They betrayed her memory by cursing her with humanity. The images of where she had been were rapidly leaving her. She ran. As if chasing them.  
  
Just a few moments and I saw everything else that happened before the show came to a screetching halt. She was standing before the mirror in her bathroom. It felt vaguely familiar but completely foreign. It was all wrong. She wasn't suppose to come back. I stood behind her looking at her reflection also. Half expecting to see my own there beside her. Of course it was not. I studied her face. Pale and thin, but her eyes frightened me more than anything. They were empty. Devoid of emotion. And as she studied her own face as if she had never seen it before, she seemed to come to the same conclusion, for she moved closer to the mirror, just staring into her eyes. She could tell that something was missing from them.  
  
She turned around quickly before I could move out of the way and walked straight through me without any hesitation. I followed, and I watched as she pulled out a small leather bound book popping open the snap and finding a clean page. It was her diary. I knew because I had been in her as she had written in it. This was the first time she opened it since she came back. She laid on her bed after fishing a pen from her nightstand. I read over her shoulder, although I didn't need to. I had felt everything she did. But I read anyway.  
  
I am empty. I can see it in my eyes. Nothing is as it used to be. I don't know how to fill me back up again. And I don't have to will to try. Everyday I play the game. I smile, I cook, I read, I slay, but it is the part I play. The part they want me to play. And they will never know any different than what they see. How can I tell them what they did? I wont, I cant. Never. There is something inside me that tells me that I am supposed to love Dawn. But everytime I look at her all I see a thing. Something as common as a fork or a plate. Just something that is there, part of the scenery. I cant feel love. I cant remember what it feels like. Only that Im supposed to do it.  
Why is it the people I care about keep making my life changing decisions for me? Without giving me a choice in the matter. They could have at least tried talking to the ouja board first. He could have considered my thoughts before leaving. The truth is they didn't want to consider me, because it made it easier for them. They can go on telling themselves that they did the right thing. I'll never tell them any different. I am only biding my time until I can go back.  
  
With that she closed the book and I saw a tear slide down her pale cheek. I want so much to touch her, to comfort her, but I am a ghost here, and these things haven't happened yet. She wraped herself in her blanket and swithed off her lamp. I watched as she sobbed quietly, her face pushed into the pillow to muffle the sound. I decided then that I would make sure none of this ever happened.  
  
"I am ready"  
  
Blackness again, then the lights burst back on and I am back in the hall of the oracles.  
  
"You have quite a problem to resolve" she says. "between you nothing has changed but how do you keep her safe without returning to her side?"  
  
I start to say something but the words will not come. I am going to need a very long brooding session to figure this all out.  
  
She looks at me with sad eyes and hands me the ring. "this trinket is too valuable, even for me"  
  
With a nod I turn and leave.  
  
So what do you guys think? Should he go back? She he stay in LA? Should he stalk her from the shadows like some obsessed ex-boyfriend stalker guy? Lemme know and Ill continue the story. 


End file.
